Swinging over an alligator pit.

It was a typical Friday afternoon in the mind of a 6 year old. Escaping ninjas by swinging over a pit of wild alligators on the path to box a wild bear, only things didn't go quite so well.

THUD!!!

I looked up from my seat on the park bench to notice the most horrifying face I thought my daughter had ever made. No yells, no screams, just a simple "Daddy, I broke my arm" in a soft matter-of-fact voice.

I got up and went over to her, scooped her up and sat her oon the bench to examine the danger from elbow dropping one of the alligators and sure enough there was now a wrist where there should not be one! I told her it looked like it might be sore so we were going to the doctor to have it looked at. Still not a wail, just little sobs and a stern little girl telling me not to move her arm as we rushed off to the emergency room, daddy trying to keep his composure so as not to lead on to the severity of the injury.

After some time in the ER and one doctor attempting sedation and setting the broken bones (yes, both of them in her forearm), I get the words that I didn't want to hear.

"We can't set it, I'm calling in the Orthopedic Surgeon"


Some time passes, and I was lucky enough to have Dianne, my step-mom, there to relax me. The Orthopedic Surgeon comes in and examines her as Aunt Kathy is arriving and lets us know Aubrey will be going into the Operating Room around midnight. Patience has always been one of my strong attributes, but at this instant it was out the window.

Around 1am they took her into the staging area for the OR, and my little girl had been so tough all night finally started to cry. He lips were shaking, teeth chattering and she was scared. I reassured her that everything would be ok as they wheeled her down the hallway and I was engulfed by overwhelming emotions that almost brought me to the floor.

Afer what seemed like eons (about 15 minutes), the doc walked out and told us the bones were set and Aubrey was getting her cast. After hearing all was well, Aunt Kathy retired to her home leaving Sarah and I to walk down the hall into post-op.

Still groggy and eyes half open I was asked, "Daddy, I'm sleepy, but if I take a little nap can i still go out to Grandpa's tonight?" All concept of the passed time was gone. "Let's go home and get some rest first, and if you're feeling better when we get up we'll talk to Grandma and figure it out."

Aubrey was wheeled up to a recovery room, and here came the toughest part of the night. Her pain medication had worn off, the new dose was on the way and she had a foreign object encasing her left arm. One of the hardest parts I have found in being a parent is the feeling of helplessness. As she lay there uncomfortable and crying, I could do nothing but attempt to sooth her. Have you ever tried soothing a 6 year old with a broken arm? It works about as well as roping an elephant with dental floss!

Another eternity passes (about 5 minutes under the given circumstances) and a fresh dose of Hydrocodone is administered. She quickly drifted back off. I did the same in the fetal position at the foot of her hospital bed. A few minutes later Justin and Ashley came in and woke me up so we could all go home. While getting ready to check out of the hospital they made mention to Aubrey about how she would be the most popular kid in class with her new appendage jewelry and she had to come up with a creative story on how it happened. She decided just to tell the truth, so I opened this with some of the suggested fabrications.

Aubrey got a little rest once we got home, and did indeed get to go to Grandpa's house on Saturday. She hasn't had much of an apetite yet, but her first day at school was a hit. She has more signatures on her cast than a Trekkie at a reunion convention and was all smiles when she was telling her story in the classroom.

She's asleep right now and is doing very well, she's not happy with the taste of her pain medicine and has told me "It's ok if it hurts a little, I don't want to take it anymore!"

She was a real trooper, and is stubborn jsut like one of her parents. I'm not going to mention which one!

Guarding the Starfish.

The first thing I have to say is don't ask me where the hell these conversations come from!

We all know the prison stories about Jamal or Bubba having his fun with the fresh meat in the pokey. Most of us have probably seen American History X when Ed Norton gets railed like a malaysian prostitue, Butterfly Effect with the biting, or even Shawshank Redemption.

In all of those movies their is only one little depiction of unwanted Brokeback action, but we have to assume that it happens quite often in prison. Some of us have also learned that the best way to neutralize an enemy is to embrace the manner in which they are trying to attack you. Those of us who know Erran saw the Night at the Roxbury spoof of him and Nick. If not, it was someone making fun of them for being out in the clubs every night and to those that don't know them, seeing a couple of douchebags wearing sunglasses in a dark club and obliterating their livers with the swiftness of a Chuck Norris roundhouse.

Instead of fighting back and raging about it, they embraced it. Erran commented on the blog, posted bulletins and just had a good time with it. The attack on them was negated and made meaningless.

So, back to Oz for a minute. If you happened to find yourself in prison would it be better to take the same approach, or fight for the sanctity of the cinnamon ring? Do you drop trou' pucker up and go fabulous in order to run off your attacker and pray that it works? Do you fight as hard as you can against 5 Aryans and get you ass kicked before it gets turned into mayo smothered ground beef? Do you run like hell and lock yourself in your cell to save for another day?

I have to say, I would take an ass kicking every day, maybe figure out how to McGuyver a shank out of a cot spring and a blanket. I don't think I could embrace the attack. My chocolate starfish is definately thanking me for the effort. It throws a parade in my pants for my heroism.

What do all of you think? Freddie Mercury or Freddy Mills? 

My Newest Relationship.

Yep, I'm in a relationship again. It's actually a rekindling of a once great relationship that I have lost touch with. Someone who makes me smile, makes me laugh and is singularly my best friend and worst enemy.

We have a lot in common, in fact, everything in common. Over the years we have laughed together, cried together, hurt and felt joy, all at the same time. We are quite content being with each other, actually, we're inseperable, almost to a fault.

It's been a long road getting back in good graces enought o reform this once tremendous relationship. I've been broken and searching, a short stint as a rockstar-superhero-binge drinking-copulating-jackass was fun, but it left a lot to be desired. I spent a lot of time with loved ones after that, have worked on building a better relationship with my friends and family and in the end I really found the person I was looking for.

I have to say, my new mate is pretty cute too! Take a look and tell me what you think.

I forgot to mention....the sex is great!

Reflection and Clarity.

Today i attended a funeral for Billy "The Bull" Wright. I know that name means very little to all of you, but I wanted to pay tribute to a Plano local who has cut 5 generations of hair for the men in my family. Bull was a great guy, he never let a day go by without telling his wife he loved her. He dedicated his life to his family and friends and is very much how I picture myself when I'm older.

He was often seen riding around his neighborhood in a gold cart, tugging on a whiskey bottle and just having fun being himself with his neighbors and friends. Bull has a daughter my age who spoke at his funeral and although a little morbid and far premature, it got me to thinking of my Dad just two seats over.

My Dad and I have had our differences over the years, and we still do about a lot of things, but I have to commend Candace for her ability to stand and give a eulogy for her father. While Bull's loss will affect a great number of people and he touched many hearts, I know that it will not interrupt my day to day routine. I'll carry on and while I might think of him as I pass the shop, I won't have all of the memories to ponder as his family does. I am faced with the reality that my Dad and Bull were close to the same age.

For those of you who know me and especially those of you who know my Dad, him and I never really express our feelings towards one another, infact the two of us are terrible with words when it comes to that type of unconditional love that only a father and son have. We usually have to write something to each other and it tends to stick around for a long time. I still have a letter my Dad wrote me 15 years ago that is one of my prized possesions. I don't pull it out and show it off, it's something for me and him. I look back over some of the things that we have done together and all of the good times and it hits me like a ton of bricks that I will one day be exactly where Candace was today.....

...lost, lonely, and a part of myself feeling empty and alone.

I pray that I will have the strength she had and be able to delivery a proper sentiment to relay the love I have for my Dad, my supporter, and my friend.

Although i have made some stupid decisions in the past, my Dad has always stood behind me if I thought I was right and given me opportunities to fall flat on my face, and pick me up, dust me off and send me back on my way.

I'm sorry this is a little sappy for some of you that read, I just needed to get a little out, it's been haunting me since Dad and I shook hands and parted earlier. I love you Dad, and thank you for being my father.

Bob Marley Hates me!

Ever looked in a store at the mall and just knnnnew that you should't go in there? Not in te I'm gonna see a naked granny on a birthday card or they sell kiddy porn from behind the counter typ of store, but one that you just see the people working there and know you can get thrown out in less than 3 minutes?

Beau-dacious and I were waiting patiently outside and were beckoned in by the Secret Agent and Mrs. Beau-dacious, hilarity would ensue!

I walked up to the counter to see bows full of several different facial scrubs, one of which looked like someone had put the bowl under my dogs ass for the past week and had a collective mound of fruity smelling land mine pie and another that looked like freshly pressed guacamole. Bob Marley the soap shop attendant was none to impressed when i asked for a chip and made mention of the dookie dish and asked if he had tried it.

Bob Marley walked away at this point and Beau-dacious and I wandered the store looking at the oddities on the shelves. We quickly stumbled across some jell-o looking shampoo that felt like a nice moist....um, click here! (Shameless plug for Leah Kauffman) Mrs. Beau-dacious was not keen on his moist dripping fingers being placed in her face, and Bob Marley asked us to leave.

Beau-dacious and I headed across the way to get white cherry slurpees and laugh as we sang Three Little Birds.

Everyone be sure and get your Togas ready, it's almost that time!

Since when is killing prostitutes a bad thing?

Note to self, never allow Dad around PS2!

We all went out to my Dad's this weekend to wrap up the Christmas festivities. My little brother is finally back from Iraq and it was the first available time all of us could get together. Upon entering the house Dad was nowhere to be found. He recently discovered Grand Theft Auto for the PS2. We headed to the back to see what he was doing.

Rebecca: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Screwing prostitutes and killing them!

As you can see, this was an interesting answer to the question. Soon all of the kids were gathered around watching him drive the cars and run people over. Childhood innocence at it's finest. We all ate, opened the last of the gifts and relaxed. The day was winding to an end when it dawned on me.....

Teacher: What did you do this weekend Aubrey?
Aubrey: We watched Grandpa screw prostitutes and then kill them!
Teacher: You, uh, well, WHAT?

I could just imagine my phone ringing the next afternoon and though it would be funny to be non-direct, here's how I imagine the conversation going.

Me: Hello
Teacher: Mr. Clark, we have a slight problem. I was talking to the kids in class today and Aubrey told me she watched her Grandpa kill a prostitute?
Me: Ha ha, yeah, he's funny. It's just a game he plays sometimes on the weekend. The kids gather around and watch and just laugh and laugh.
Teacher: So, uh, you knew about this?
Me: Oh yeah, I play sometimes too. It's gratifying in a sense. Almost like a money back guarantee I guess. If you're not satisfied you just kill her and take your money back. Then again, even if you were satisfied would you still let her live, or just take the money and go buy some guns or something?
Teacher: I really, wow, ok, um.....
Me: Oh, its ok, the kids know that it's not something that you can do all the time. Like I said, it's just a weekend game. With work and getting dinner ready during the week there really isn't time for it.
Teacher: (now past her speechless phase and yelling) I cannot believe you would subject your kids or any person to this! What do you think this is some kind of sick joke? I think the only proper course of action while maintaining the child's best interest is to turn you in!
Me: I don't think anyone is going to do anything about it.
Teacher: (still yelling) Killing prostitutes?
Me: I agree, it is a little unreasonable to have that in front of the kids, but with proper supervision and understanding they should be ok with it. It's not that we have to shelter our kids from all the bad things in the world, we just need to be smart about how they're explained and the manner in which we let them participate.
Teacher: You have got some serious problems.....
Me: Yeah, who would have thought that the coders for Grand Theft Auto would have written that in as a game feature. I wonder if it came from a personal experience?
Teacher: Game?
Me: Yes, I told you it was my Dad's weekend game.
(silence)
CLICK!

*Just to let everyone know, Dad wasn't actually screwing and killing the prostitutes in front of the kids, just the driving parts of the game. The conversations in this were completely fictitious and are for amusement only.

Asexual, is this a joke?

I know I haven't written anything in a while. Usually when I do, it's because I have something to say or a situation/story has brought itself about and I seek input.

Last night I was watching Primtime on ABC and they had on a series they are doing called Outsiders. The first section was about swingers which I think is odd, but fascinating. I don't find it odd that these couples can remove any correlation between sex and emotion and have a good time with mulitple partners. In fact, I think all of us have done that before, it's called dating. Just typically we're not sharing. Enough about swingers, I'll get into all of that at another time. What really shocked me was the "Asexual movement"

Asexual is commonly accepted as a term for not having sexual organs, or in nature is and science is also referred to as agamogenesis only requiring one parent for reproduction. The third definition is the one being referenced though....

....lacking interest in or desire for sex.

I listened to the stories of several members of this asexual movement that express their lack of need for sex and that they do not feel it is important in life. I tried to keep an open mind while watching what I would deem as undesirable sexual partners express all of their feelings about it. One guy was married for 4 years and only had sex a handful of times, one lady married for 7 years and never had sex, a young couple in their early 20's about to get married and had no desire for sex. The girl here mentioning that she grew up thinking she was lesbian because she was not attracted to men. She tried women and didn't enjoy it, now found a man that supported her in her decision to not have sex....EVER.

I had to think about that for a second and then it hit me....YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING CRAZY! Two of the guys including the one who was married were setting off homo alarms left and right. Guys, you're closet gay, and it's ok that you're gay, just come out and let the world know, carry on your life and stop this bullshit movement.

Humans are born with only two instincts, survival and procreation. By being born with such a simple plan for life we are designed to eat drink and be merry, fornicate, reproduce and die. I ask anyone out there to tell me if there are any other instincts or reasons that you think procreation is not a neccesity in life.

We asa  society have been raised and taught many different things about sex. Sex is more mainstream now than ever.We see it everywhere but to get back to the animalistic nature of it, guys, did you get your first hard on because you were attracted to the appearance of a particular person? No, it came at random. Babies get hard ons even though they have not yet been conditioned to find "sex appeal" in any particular person or group of people.

How could any person deem themselves asexual and state that sex is not required to live a full and rewarding life? No kids? That has been one of the biggest rewards of my life so far. Ee're all adults here (well, maybe not on myspace, but in this blog) sex is a guilty pleasure that all of us have. Someone out there who does not at all enjoy sex, please chime in and explain why so that I might understand all of this. Oh, and here's the website for the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

Update on the couple that was getting married, they had sex, they liked it, the're probably going to do it again!

There's a Wookie in my sink!

That's right kids, and not the Wookie like Druncle talks about. You know, he pulls the stranger and it looks like a wookie is jacking him off. I'm talking about a mountainous pile of man fur in my sink.

I'm a hairy bastard, to be honest, you could probably braid my chest hair and let little kids swing from it into the pond like they do out there at "dem fishin' holes" Well, maybe it's not quite that bad, but I do seem to attract small children to my chest much like Santa Claus does to his beard.

On to my point.

As many of you guys out there do (this is modern society now) I do some "Man-scaping" from time to time. I trim down the chest hairs, give the undercarriage a nice cleaning, and even clean up the loose ends in my ass crack. Man is that a pain in the ass! I have to say, it is satidfying to look down and realize your penis just grew 3 inches from removing the hair. I always wonder "where the hell did that thing come from? That can't be mine!" Then I touch it a few times and it responds, so it has to be.

Last night I decided it was about time to give the clippers a run across the 'ol spare tire and clean it up a bit. I'm not going to see Rebecca for a couple of days, just me to deal with the stubble, why not. I put the little gaurd on my clippers and viola off to a great start.

Damn, that line sure is drastic. Oh well, let's keep going. Oops, that was the wrong gaurd. Too late now, slowly around the nips, don't want to cut on off. Batteries are running low, better change them......

So, I walk through the house, half shaved (I was not doing the under carriage last night) and get quizzed by my kids.

"Daddy, why is your hair like that?" Well, I explained about shaving and trimming hair for hygenic and cosmetic purposes. I think they understood. Back to shaving I go and in comes Austin. "Daddy, it looks like the guy from Star Wars in the sink"

There you go, no real point, but it was humorous. My 4 year old recognized Chewbacca in my sink. I wonder if could have bundled it up and sold it on ebay like the Virgin Mary grilled cheese?

Innocence Lost, Wisdom Gained and the World Stood Still

Well folks, today is an interesting day. A bit of the softer, not funny side, but something that I wanted to share with all of you.

My daughter Aubrey started school today. It was her first day of kindergarten and she was excited. If you share the joysof parenthod with me, you know that this is a big step for her. She was very excited. She went out Sunday night and got her school supplies with Aunt Kathy. It's been hell keeping her out of them for the past couple of days, but last night we went and got her the last three shots she needed for school. Taken like a true champ, whining a little on the second one when she looked over and saw the needle, but she didn't even feel the first one.

After all three shots were done we grabbed a bite of dinner and hit the grocery store. She was elated that I let her pick out what SHE wanted in her lunches. Off to the house, Austin took a shower and Aubrey and I made her first lunch to take to school. She made her own sandwich, put all of the items in er lunch box and put it in the fridge with a huge grin on her face. She went right to sleep.

This morning she came in and woke me up around 6 am wondering if it was time to get ready. I laid her down in bed with me for a few minutes and we got up and around.

After dropping Austin at daycare, Aubrey's road rage was in full force yelling at cars to get out of the way because she had to go to school. That'll all change in a few years. I walked her to her new classroom, pointed out that her name was on a locker. She promply put her things in there, said hello to the teacher and turned to me, gave me a kiss and said "Goodbye, Daddy." I didn't tear up or any of that stuff that you might see other parents do. I didn't sulk off thinking that sh didn't need me, but looing back now I have a smile on my face. My kids are a part of me and that will never change. I have the priveledge of walking through these steps of life with them that will form them into functioning adults. This was a very proud moment for me. One of many to come, but the first step in her future. Take care of my little girl Mrs. Mammailie, she is very important to me.

Austin starts next year and I suspect that I will have the same feelings when he crosses that invisible plain from carefree into his first steps of responsibility. I wish both of them as fond of memories of their first day that I will always have. For those of you who are not parents, I wish that you some day will have these feelings. We always think about those we love around us, we really do love them, but this is different. It transcends all things that we think are important and every care or negative thought in the world is gone out the window. Everything around you is just a dull murmur of mundane life. There is nothing I have yet found, including the day I was married, that can compare to the emotions that ran through me this morning.

To Aubrey, maybe you'll see this in years to come. You might cry when you read this, you might skip the tears. I can feel them welling up in my eyes, but they just won't fall! I know right now you won't understand it, but I love you, and I am so proud of you.

Maxim Magazine publication.

I know some of you have seen and read this story already, but here it is for those of you who didn't catch it.....

My smiling face is on page 97 in front of the "Welcome to Texas" sign with Erran Yearty and Max Smith. What a weekend that was. The read is lengthy, but I promise you'll chuckle more than a time or two.

Here is a link to the original submission to Maxim Magazine. Take a read, pick up the issue and you tell us if 3rd place was the right spot!

CLICK THE IMAGE