Warming up the boys!

I've been going to the gym just about every morning during the week and working out. I know, great news right! I'm starting to see some results. 2 months in I've dropped about 20 lbs and can see muscles through the fat now! Enough about me, let's move on to this past Monday....

...5:30 in the morning is f-ing early! I do it though. I get out of bed lazily, call my work out partner to get his butt out of bed and I head to L.A. Fitness for my daily self-abuse. This was an ordinary Monday. A weekend of eating like crap made me feel a little guilty so I sprung up and headed out a little quicker than usual. I got to the gym, rounded the corner into the locker room to empty my pockets and such and there it was, one of the most disturbing and puzzling things I've seen.

For anyone who goes to the gym and enters the locker room, it's no shock to see a naked dude walking around the locker room with his Johnson swinging. Us guys have all seen the old guy who's not bashful walking around drying his hair with a towel, coin purse dragging the ground and whistling Dixie as he struts, but these are all everyday things. It's also not unusual or odd to see a guy using a hairdryer, but I must go on and share with you...

Have you ever seen the unabashed old man bent at the knees with a hair dryer in each hand warming up the noodles?

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he was just drying the pubes, or, or, well, I can't explain it. I have no excuse for a man to stand with bent knees and a hair dryer in each hand pumping hot air onto the twig and berries. I do know it was and is not something I care to start my day off with. I think I'll just hit snooze one extra time!

Improving Your Search Rankings With SEO Pixie Dust [video]

Funny video on using magical SEO pixie dust to improve search rankings.

read more | digg story

Karaoke Madness at Quarter Bar

Spring break was last week, that means no kids and I get to socialize during the week. Sarah told me about Thursday karaoke at Quarter Bar in Addison so we made plans to go. Some of Sarah's friends joined us at first, and later a few of my friends joined to partake in the excitement. I know, this sounds boring, and I might be losing you, but bear with me.

Thursday night karaoke is chocked full of excitment. First off, there is a small group that comes in who are half emo half theatre junkie. Needless to say they turn each song intoa performance. There was a very special rendition of "Springtime in Germany for Hitler" by a guy who resembles an angry black eyeliner wearing emo goth creature that dwells in dimly lit places waiting to prey upon cockroaches and rats. I should have got a picture, but I missed my chance on this one. Maybe another time. We also dealt with the nerdy fat bad skinned guy who was "smoking" to be cool. He would take a drag from a Marlboro Red and blow it right back out without inhaling. It was a horrendous odor and left my sinuses clogged up for 2 days.

The best of all, the one that had us laughing so hard we cried and caused me to break out the cell phone for video was glorious. A young black guy, mid-twenties maybe gets on stage. We watch the credits roll, "Pussy Control" by Prince. I'm sure you may have heard the song, the outlandish wails by Prince that transgress into song lyrics and into a sort of rap. It's a great beat, energetic, but enough about the song. The guy has on gym shorts, a black wife beater, and a face mask on his head. From the second the song starts it's apparent he has no clue how the song or lyrics go. We laugh a little, but when he gets wound up the light laughter becomes roars and fits of belly laughs and tears. I can't do it justice in words, so here's the video...

I apologize for the audio being poor, but it was from my cell phone in the bar. What you are hearing is the "AHHHHHHH" wailing of the singer and then him screaming "PUSSY CONTROL" His gyrationand humping the ground sealed the deal on the most hilarious karaoke moment I've ever seen. We all agreed that it was one of the funniest moments in quite a while.

Princeton Premier Nomination

It is apparent that I am a standout in my industry! Check out this nomination I received.

Michael Clark,

It is my pleasure to inform you that you are being considered for inclusion into the 2008-2009 Princeton Premier Business Leaders and Professionals "Honors Edition" section of the Registry.

The 2008 / 2009 edition of the Registry will include biographies of the world's most accomplished individuals. Recognition of this kind is an honor shared by thousands of executives and professionals throughout the world each year. Inclusion is considered by many as the single highest mark of achievement.

You may access our application form using the following link:

http://app.formassembly.com/forms/view/11970

Upon final confirmation, you will be listed among other accomplished individuals in the Princeton Premier Registry.

For accuracy and publication deadlines, please complete your application form and return it to us within five business days. There is no cost to be included in the Registry.

On behalf of the Managing Director, we wish you continued success.

Sincerely,

Jason Harris

Managing Director
Princeton Premier

What an honor to be recognized by Princeton! Oh wait, you're not from Princeton. You mean you're just using that name to falsely establish recognition? Well I guess, but what does this nomination mean?

You want to publish my name in a book. That's excellent, is it like McRae's? No, what about Redbook? It's primarily online. That could be ok, the internet is the fastest growing marketplace and the information superhighway! You want me to pay you for the nomination? That sounds like bribery! I don't think winners of the Nobel prize are required to give kickbacks for that prestigious award, but I could be wrong. I've never been nominated for one myself.

I think I'll pass on the "nomination", but thank you for the consideration.

The cross we bear.

This was sent to me and I thought it was great and definitely worth sharing. Enjoy!

Awesome!! We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize
it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can't.

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;
But God's always ready, to answer your call....

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips, can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish, dawn's early light...

The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,
to give you His grace, and send you His love...

I'm a dork!

I like to play stupid online games when I'm bored and this one is my latest addiction. Try it and have fun.

Caveman Save your girlfriend from the evil prehistoric monsters!

Play this free game now!!

German Invents 'Spray-On' Condom to Fit All Sizes

Those crazy German's! I know, the picture is a little scary, but it's all in the name of scientific research.

Read the article here.

I'm a little upset I didn't think of it first and patent the idea first. I think it's amazing technology, but yes, the hissing and drying time might be a deal killer. Despite the setbacks I think it is the condom of the future. In fact, I've come up with a marketing plan to place dispenser in every truckstop and gay bar bathroom in the US. The price will be slightly higher than that of traditional prophylactics, and you will have to stand in the bathroom against the dispenser like a glory hole, but overall it should be a hot ticket item for next year! I'm all for safe sex and the prevention of STD's being spread. I do wonder how it will work for individuals. The machine is not going to fit in your wallet and leave the wear ring that adolescent boys show off as a badge of honor to their friends, instead they'll have to revert to fanny packs with a thermos inside that is secretly hiding the tools of their promiscuous trade.

What will be thought of next? I hear virtual sex is making huge advancements. One day we may be so detached as a society that real sex goes away. Will that be the fall of the human race or will it be like Idiocracy and only the dumb will breed?

Just thoughts to ponder. Check out the video demo of the spray on condom at YouTube

It's a Catholic Thing, You Wouldn't understand

I was driving in to work this morning and saw one of those Jeep stickers, "It's a Jeep thing you wouldn't understand". I've never found much humor in the sticker, typically it's on a factory Jeep with street tires that has never really seen dirt. The driver stalled it out and had to restart the engine while trying to leave the stop light. It made me giggle a little and think to myself "Jeep this!" I know, way off subject, but I was just giving some silly background on the title. Truth be told I'm addressing a much more serious issue.

Check out this news report:

Associated Press - November 12, 2007 4:13 PM ET

MILWAUKEE (AP) - A 79-year-old Roman Catholic nun has pleaded no contest to indecent behavior with two male students during the 1960s at a Milwaukee convent and school where she was principal.

Norma Giannini faces up to 10 years in prison on each count when she's sentenced February 1st.

Her accusers said they had dozens of sexual encounters with Giannini, including intercourse.

The nun went on to work in Illinois from 1970 to 1994.

The regional president for the Sisters of Mercy says Gianini received extensive counseling after the order learned of the situation during the 1990s and has been kept away from minors since then.

I have a hard time with churches in some cases. I have found some of the most faithful church goers are some of the biggest hypocrites. I can't say that I live my life exactly as I should, but for the most part I try.

I've recently been visiting different churches on the weekend to find a place where I fit in and don't feel overwhelmed with fake people. Where there is a genuine atmosphere of faith, hope, prayer and a drive to live a stand up life. Some would say you must live by the book and worship, others would say just be a good person, I say, do what you think is right for your beliefs no matter what they may be.

I've come to the conclusion that I have no desire to visit a Catholic church. My son would not be safe around the Priests or the Nuns. I guess it's a Catholic thing that I just don't understand. Then again, maybe I have no desire to understand pedophiles!

The Office: A Drama About Termination

Beware, this is long and you might get sucked in like a Mexican telenovela if you aren't careful. Yesterday we had to let go a sales rep who was touted as a great performer. He spent 11 months with us and was only a top producer once. His performance was half the sales production of our two resident complainers in "Negative Town" and he consistently missed days without notifying the appropriate people. He would call in and tell whoever he talked to without making mention to his supervisor or the HR department. Once he was out to help his family. We're all family oriented and a very close group so it was no problem, until we found out he was actually attending a multi-level marketing convention in California.

Once prior he had flirted a little too much with a potential client and upon her boyfriend finding out was reprimanded for unprofessional conduct. Not too long after that he was in a verbal altercation with another female employee and was again written up for unprofessional conduct. His sales performance never met the level of other sale staff and ultimately he was let go yesterday for job abandonment by not calling or showing last Thursday or Friday.

I know, boring, but there has to be a buildup to the real story right? Yesterday he verbally assaulted the my friend, and the owner of the company who had helped him both financially and personally when he needed it. He then came into the office to gather his things and verbally assaulted our HR Director who we affectionately call "Grammy" for how she cares and takes care of all of us. I escorted him from the interior of the building to the lobby. He was officially released and left relatively quit.

About 4pm yesterday he called in and threatened Grammy with sexual harassment for her "ongoing advances" towards him. Last night there were several calls placed to other employees threatening lawsuits, complaining and attacking the personal character of our owner, and of the employees he was calling. It's really disturbing for some who are shaken by it and fear he will retaliate in a physical manner.

I myself have not been contacted by him, nor do I think he will, however I will probably be the first one he shoots when he goes on a US Postal Service style rampage because of my size and the intimidation factor. Part of me feels I should be concerned, but the other part of me just wonders what time I should go to lunch.

Convertible for Sale!

This posting was on ebay motors, I thought it was a little odd that it's listed as a convertible, although, it clearly has no top. It is listed as a manual 4 speed convertible, no warranty, and a clean title. The year is 1986 with a vin of 0000000000000000, however, you can get a car fax report on it using vin 86-025. Interesting, and a steal at 59k, but if I'm going to pay that much it better come with the top!

This 1986 March 86C CART Indy Car is considered to be one of the most historic and recognizable Indy cars of the first decade of CART (Championship Auto Racing Teams) racing. This car was delivered new to Kraco Racing in May of 1986 to be prepared for its first event in Milwaukee. Michael Andretti won the Milwaukee 200 in the car's inaugural outing and one week later was involved in one of the most memorable road races in CART history on Father's Day at Portland. Having led 87 of the 104 laps, Michael Andretti came out of the last corner on the final lap only to run out of fuel! He was able to coast across the finish line, but not before his father, Mario Andretti had caught and passed him for a victory margin of 0.07 seconds. Happy Father's Day Dad!!! Later that year, Michael drove this car to victory at Phoenix International Raceway in one of the most dominating performances in Indy Car Racing history, taking the lead on lap 30 and leading 166 of the final 170 laps and lapping the entire field except second place finisher Danny Sullivan who finished a distant 20 seconds behind Andretti. In all, Michael Andretti won two races, one pole position, led 6 races and 418 laps in this car in 1986. The car was later sold and entered in two Indianapolis 500s before being retired. At the conclusion of its racing career it was restored by Blackburn-Daly Ltd of Indianapolis to it's original as raced trim. It has been displayed as a show car at special events since that time. We are selling the car without engine as a roller. It would make a fantastic addition to any serious racing collection.

Happy Buying!